Preparations for the Journey Ahead

It's Tuesday, and I only began packing this morning. For those of you who aren't as up-to-date on my trip plans, here's a quick review.

I'm leaving on Friday for 3 months in India. Three months. It seems so long now that the departure date is so close. Everyone is asking me if I'm anxious or nervous. Who woudn't be? I'm leaving my husband and friends (and yes, my family) for a country I have longed to visit. Until three weeks ago, I knew no one there. And those people I know now are few and all located in Varanasi. So, am I anxious? A little. It probably won't hit me until my second or third night in Delhi, based on previous experiences.

The people I know who are interested in hearing about this trip generally fall into 2 categories: those who want to know where I'll be going; and those who want to know why. Why are you leaving your life here...your family, your friends...to trampse around a country like India? And when I respond to that question, there are 3 general responses: 1) wow, that's great...amazing...good for you...I'd like to do that someday; 2) um, ok, that sounds reasonable, something that you might like to do; 3) (rhetorically, with a blank stare) what the $!*^ is she talking about?

So, I'll answer the second question first. Then I'll give a brief run-down of my current itinerary (which will most surely change).

Why am I going to India. Until three weeks ago, I had a different answer than I do now. Quite simply, I was hoping to connect with a teacher, to merge with something, anything, that could help guide me along this process of connecting with my own Divinity. For those of you with whom I have these discussions often, you'll understand (and have probably already heard) this part; for the rest of you, I'm sorry...bear with me :).

I have been practicing yoga for about 12 years now, in earnest and with a spiritual focus for about 8 of them. As I have moved along this path that has become my own, I have been blessed with an understanding of some truly beautiful concepts and ways of looking at life, creation, and God that are so inspiring, they make my soul cry out for devotion and tears of awe flow from me. Now, it's no longer yoga...it's just who I am. It's my perspective, my way of existence, which is often challenged, weakened, and then reinforced, only to be struck again by the reality of maya and my ego's desire to remain attached to it. Because, no matter how peaceful that inner stillness and nothingness is...it can be downright frightening getting there. I found myself easily intellectualizing these concepts and ways of being, oftentimes really feeling connected to them, but then, when my ego needed to face some of its deepest fears, I would fall. I couldn't stand up to them. The samskaras were so entrenched that, no matter what I did, I couldn't hold them with enough compassion and understanding to clear them completely. I needed a teacher, a guru, someone who could serve as a representation of that Divinity that is at my essence...at the core of all existence...to help guide me. After multiple therapy sessions, hours of meditation, countless yoga classes, and who knows how many balasanas (it's a yoga posture) in tears, I was able to finally say, "You know...I may actually need some help with this one. And that's OK.

So how did this response change? I no longer am looking for a home, a tradition and teacher that will provide me with unconditional support along this journey. That part's been taken care of, thanks to the grace of God and Guru. Now the work is going to begin. So, this trip to India will be just that. A beautiful experience along this devotional path. I am working not to have high expectations of vast degrees of transformation while I am there. The most profound transformation will likely pass later, when I am surrounded by the kula and the sanghat, in the spiritual presence of my family, friends, and colleagues, all of those who have been, and continue to be, integral pieces of this profound life journey.

And yes, I will resume career-related work upon my return from this short sabbatical, because the career path I have chosen is intimately connected with the rest of my path...it's my karma yoga :).

Now a quick response to question 2, only because it doesn't warrant such an esoteric response :). So the places I will be visiting? That's bound to change, but for now I'm focusing on Northern India, including Delhi, Agra, Amritsar, Dharamsala, possibly Ladakh, Rishikesh, various cities in Rajasthan, and Varanasi. I'll keep you updated with this blog; that's what it's for :).

In peace, love, and Divine light,
Kristin